Before I end my xanga, I think there is something I need to explain.

I've been pouring out a lot of emotions over this xanga thing for a long time.  It was a great place to let my emotions out, but that's not the only reason I keep feeding this place.  For those who don't know, there is a little tracking device in my xanga that tells me how many people are reading it, where the readers are from...I have always had some ideas of who my readers are.  I kept pouring out my emotions here so that someone can understand them.  If I were right, AJS visits my xanga everyday.  I have no idea why AJS would still come back to read it, we haven't talked to each other for a long time.  Sometimes I thought the silence would help me to break away, but it didn't. 

Two Fridays ago I found AJS's xanga site by accident.  I tried my best to keep myself from reading it again.  It was tough, because I still care so much, those feelings are still there.  I cannot come back to my xanga every night and not think of hers.  I was reminded how much I wanted to know about her life, and how much fear I still attach to my feelings.  I didn't talk to her ever since October, but I still write about myself here so that she can read it.  It is not right, I can't come back here every night to write about myself with AJS in my mind.  I shouldn't be worrying if she's reading it either.  I wanted to break free, but this was holding me back.  I understand now that the only way I can break away is to stop writing this, stop tracking my readers, and disconnect myself from xanga. 

This is the last thing I can do to break myself away.  If those feelings still hold a place in my heart, then they are meant to be there.  I have to shut this door, and open up myself to my fellowship here.  Let it out, let people pray with me.  I can not keep myself from feeding my feelings if I continue my xanga, it's time to stop. 

It's been nice writing here, but it's time to go back to my old personal diary. 

I found the grandeur I've been searching for...in Sibelius, no wonder Paavo loves him that much.

I went to the chi alpha retreat with anger and sadness.  The first night we were there worshipping, I was just angry at God.  I remember one of the songs was "Freedom", I kept repeating to myself, "freedom from what?  freedom from what?!?"  The speaker at the retreat was Gordon Fee, probably one of the greatest Christian scholars of this age.  For all those campus ministry leaders who studied him in college, he was their hero.  For us students, he was just a regular old man.

It started snowing Saturday.  I have not felt the cold, and seen snow for a long time.  We worshipped, prayed, and listened to Gordon in the morning.  After prayers, Gordon asked us to tell our partner about the things we prayed for.  My Bible study leader Tim took me aside, and I forced myself to tell him about the problem I've been struggling for so long.  It was the first time I told anyone in DC about this, it could probably count as a break through.  Throughout the entire Saturday I forced myself to pray, to listen, to BELIEVE.  I was surrounded by 320 Christians from all over DC.  I needed to find myself there.  I forced myself to kneel, to pray and to cry.  Give up, surrender...as I was praying again in the evening, my campus pastor Shawn came to me and asked me if there's anything he can pray for me.  I opened up to him, telling him everything.  Then he put his hands on me and prayed, I was crying. 

Later on that evening I told my senior friend Robin about it again, because I knew she went through a similar situation in her freshman year.  I was glad God gave me the courage to let it out.  I needed it.  Let it out, let the wind beat against it and the cold pierce through it.  Only then can I find the healing of God.  Prayers helped, crying helped, but they never helped as much as invitations. 

Then it was games, fellowships...the guys made a brilliant plan to ambush the girls, snow fight was definitely good.  I felt the excitement as I was running up to attack the girls.  There is still life inside of me.  Let it out. 

We worshipped more this morning, then prayed, then left for our campus.  This weekend has too great of an impact in me to return to my bitterness and heartbreak.  Christ is there, believe.  I forced myself to face it, confront it, reveal it, and now change it. 

For so long I've been telling myself that xanga is a journal, but I know that's not true.  There is a reason to write here, and now there's a reason for me to stop.  This xanga will come to an end soon, but I still have a little bit of work left to finish here.  Just a little...

I have yet to master the art of surrenderring, not to my enemies but to God. 

I don't know where to begin.  I can not remember the last time I am not weighted by this thought.  I can not remember the last day I am free of this emotion, free of this fear, of this sadness.  Some days are better, but those days never carry me far enough to a break through.  I can't stop praying, or asking...why?  what does God want me to go through here?  This is not a matter with time, I don't think time matters anymore.  The sadness today is as strong as four months ago.  The difference is that I feel lonelier.  I can't talk to my friends about this, I am tired of praying about it.  I am tired of living it.  Thank God that nobody else is going through this.

God must know what this is, I want to too.  He knows the best part of my day was trying to cry in the shower, but the tears did not come out.  I can't even let my tears out, it's holding me back so much that I can't even cry.  Who would want to see a man like this?  Who would want to fight this battle?  and who can actually win?  This is surviving. 

Is anybody there?  Does anybody care?  Does anybody see, what I see?

Does anyone believe that a broken heart can not ever be healed?  Do you?  I am glad you don't, because that means you are not there yet.  And I wish that you will never reach that canyon.  It's a total darkness, you hear fear calling out your name, death staring right at your face.  Death, looking right now. 

It's so easy to give in, but giving in brings an end to the life God has given me.  Now where is that God of mine, I can't see You in the dark.  Where is the voice that tells me that this is not the end?  Where does my help come from?  Don't call me an athiest, don't call me unfaithful...I really want to know.  Silence is strong enough to kill, ignorance is the path to darkness. 

I hope you will never come to believe that a broken heart can not ever be healed.

I won't be able to write tomorrow night and saturday...perhaps you will read these words again Sunday, that is if you still wish to read these sad words.

Chi alpha tonight.  There were three visitors, two of them from UGA, that last one, named Sarah, is from Eastern Michigan University.

It's been a very very long day.  I still can not believe I finished writing my theology paper.  One more to go, but it will be a very tough one.  There was something that has been bothering me for a while now, my left ear.  I think I am losing my last bits of hearing.    Hearing aid didn't help, because everytime I put that thing on it irritates my ear.  I could hardly hear anyone sitting to my left, and I had some really hard time trying to catch my professors.  Half deaf, maybe I should start learning sign languages.

 I was sitting at Chi Alpha tonight, performing my usual role as the drummer boy.  I couldn't find the beat, everything was off.  My face was glowing and my head was pounding.  I suddenly realized how much had happened since my stupid decision last Friday.  My toughest time of the day is still resisting the thoughts of giving up, or giving in.  It is a little ironic too, I am resisting my memories.  I was thinking of home today, I probably won't get to go back until May.  That is a long time, and I am trying to live my life day by day.

This is not living, it's surviving.  This is not moving on, it's getting through.  I am tired of these days.  I feel like I am fighting against something I shouldn't be fighting against.  People have always said, "follow your heart", or "follow your feelings."  Follow what?  It's a dead end. 

Happy Birthday to my two best friends...Derek Bradford and Jeff Thompson.

The most difficult thing is not winning, it is seeing the prospect of losing and have the determination to say "no".

I got my English paper back today.  8.3 out of 10, most of students got 9 or above.  How do you think that would make me feel?  I have two more papers due next week.  I sat in my room tonight trying to do research, ending up with a bunch of things that I don't know what to do with them.  I can't even come up with a damn thesis. 

I need to do better than that.